Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
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He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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