ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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