last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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