He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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