I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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