Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
