Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
