Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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