I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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