If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Randomize
