Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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