I didn't shave. On purpose
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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