the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
