wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
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I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
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It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce