Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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