Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
