can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i came on her dog
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
