i think my tv is drunk
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
