Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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