I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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