Your dad touched me again.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
