Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
