No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
