remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
