im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
