How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
