So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
