My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
