Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
