My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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