i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
