birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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