I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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