I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
