booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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