Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
