guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
How naked do you want me to be?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
