I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
