I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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