Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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