dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
