ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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