all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
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If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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