she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
