i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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