My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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