I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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