i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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