Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he fucked my hip out of place.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
