You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
