The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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