Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
