Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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