i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
