You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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