I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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