god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
