It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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