If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
